It's OK

Suicide is taboo.

I feel the need to put in a disclaimer right here: I am not in immediate danger of committing suicide, and I in no way endorse anyone taking their own life.

Don't worry about me.

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Suicide is freedom when there are no other avenues. It is illegal to commit suicide for the same reason that women are not allowed abortions. It is a move for those in power to make sure that they can have control.

Suicide is a privilege unique to humans, as far as I know. It is a privilege that is a byproduct of freedom. If you can do anything you want, then think hard about what it is you want. With privilege comes responsibility.

Choosing not to die is a right, but a right that can be overpowered by biology or action. Choosing not to die is hard sometimes. All of the things around are overwhelming, and there isn't a way to stop the rising tide inside.

Treat it like an acid trip. 

1. Find a safe place (if nothing feels safe, watch out for traffic)
2. Take a deep breath
   
3. Sit down on the ground. Cross-legged if you can
4. Close your eyes, you can't trust your senses or your thoughts necessarily. 

The best thing to do is overwhelm the processing part of the brain with direct sensory input. Rub your hands together, touch your face, rub the tops of your thighs.
Think about opening your eyes. 

If you feel ready, keep your eyes closed and listen hard to your surroundings.

Get a lay of the land by building a mental picture using your memory and what you can hear. 

Think about opening your eyes. If you are not ready, continue to breath, feeling your chest expand and push the air out with your diaphragm.

Think about opening your eyes. If you are ready, open your eyes and compare what you see to your mental expectation.
Really look around, but do it without judgement.  

Things are. 

Judgement and shame can hide what is right in front of us. 

You are ready to live.
If you disagree with the statement above, then follow the steps above once again. Maybe masturbate, but don't do it fully to orgasm. Just enough to dump some endorphins into your system.

You are ready to live.
If you disagree with the statement above, that is your right. I love you. You are worthy of living. I will share my oxygen and water with you as long as it works for both of us. You are not alone.

If you are ready to live, you need to know where you are. 

Get ready to think about your demons. If that thought starts the cycle again. Go back to step 1. Sit down, close your eyes, breathe, and feel.

Our demons are self-defined, and if we can't or don't want to face them, they will drive us. 

Get ready to think about your demons.

 If you feel safe, write them down. 

Giving symbols to the feelings that encompass guilt, shame, greed, lust, addiction, anything that stops us from doing what we feel is right. Some demons are external, and doubly bind us with physical and mental chains.

Understand that your demons are part of you, but do not define you.

Accept the reality of where you are Right Now. To be able to articulate where you want you go, you need to find your baseline and understand it.

This is not a one step process. I constantly struggle to love myself, to find value in what defines me.

We'll get there.